Welcome to the first issue of TLDR Weekly!

We write bite-sized news for the demographic that doesn't read newspapers and gets their news from Twitter, WhatsApp groups, or rumors at the local bar. We'll give you just enough to sound smart in a 5-minute conversation.

We'll bring you the past week’s top stories from Uganda and the rest of the world, re-packaged and sprinkled with some sass, some seriousness, and a little bit of salt.

We're delighted to have you.

Brevity is one of our main selling points, so let's do this 👊🏾

— Gloria Mbabazi, Shem Opolot

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Headlines 🚨

The New Year started off on a tragic note. 10 people, children inclusive, died in a stampede at a concert at Freedom City Mall. Scores more sustained grave injuries. By all accounts, the accident directly resulted from the kind of negligence Ugandans are all too familiar with. This article encapsulates the issue and proposes solutions. By this publication, the chief concert organizer had been arrested. May the souls of those who passed away rest in peace.

State of the Nation 🇺🇬

President Museveni addressed the nation AGAIN. The cliff notes? Stop us if you've heard this before: high commodity prices and shortages (ebura) of those commodities; increased crime rates; and okukongora (idling around while others are working).

Playing games isn’t just for playing games? Or is it? NTV misquoted M7, alleging that he reduced sport to “just playing” and therefore not economically viable. Sensationalism is still alive and well in 2023.

Mzee’s speeches are reminiscent of an old man in the village with a school of children around him. The speeches start out pointed but often digress into myths and fables. You can find the full speech here.

Sports ⚽

In a flawless demonstration of how to play games and earn from sports, Joshua Cheptegei started checking off the goals on his resolution list by winning the San Silvestre 10 km road race in Madrid, Spain.

Uganda’s Prisca Chesang also won in the women’s category after defeating Rwanda’s Francine Niyonsaba and Kenya's Beatrice Chepkoech, who came second and third respectively.

Congratulations to Cheptegei and Chesang for making the country proud.

Edson Arantes do Nascimento

We all know him as Pele. Arguably the greatest footballer of all time when he was alive and even now, in death. Pele’s career was GOAT-esque. His influence on the game—nuclear. His playing style—ethereal. Pele was laid to rest this past week amid a spectacle fit for a king. Rest in peace, King Pele.

Business 👔

The tax man cometh 💸

Ugandan local artists were dealt a heavy blow at the end of 2022 when Uganda Revenue Authority (URA) announced plans to tax artists and compel them to get Tax Identification Numbers (TINs). If you were planning a major career move to Upcoming Artist, this year might not be your year.

Fuel prices to tank soon ⛽

It might please you and your cars to know that the Ugandan government finally upheld its end of the bargain by building a fuel jetty on its side of Port Kisumu. The MT Kabaka Mutebi II made its maiden voyage and returned successfully with 4.5 million litres of fuel. According to URA, this will result in a drop in fuel prices by as much as 30-50%. Translation—car centipedes on Bandali Rise and Wampewo Avenue. But the economy certainly won’t complain. Lowered fuel prices translate into increased spending power. You can redirect your fuel money to spare car parts for the pothole-riddled roads.

The Unbelievable 🫢

The Fast and the Furious 🚙 💨

Kenya has reportedly registered an alarming trend of motorists that speed off from fuel stations without paying their bills. As Ugandans reading this news about our dear neighbour with a coastline, our palms are sweaty. But, our government has commissioned a fuel cargo ship just for us. Now, we wait...

We are well aware this story might give you ideas. Please do not try this at home.

The High and the Furious 💉

Cartel-related violence is not new to us or to Mexico City, but the violence that ensued after Ovidio Guzman, son of Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman was arrested is, to put it mildly, wild. This is the second time Ovidio has been arrested. The first time was in 2019, and he was released after the Mexican president “negotiated with terrorists” and allowed Ovidio to go free. Said terrorists (Ovidio’s gang) raised unholy hell in 2019, and followed the same script in 2023, too. The carnage was breathtaking. The stuff of movies. We are willing to bet our precious unlimited—but not so unlimited—data bundles that Netflix script writers are readying a shoddy adaptation captured with a sepia filter.

Games 🎲

Follow the link below to play this week's word search puzzle comprising words mentioned in this issue

Procrastination corner ⏳

Apocalyptic? See what your neighborhood looked like when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Hack: Turns out, we've been peeling garlic wrongly this whole time.

A trivial earth clock? Tell the time using, well, the earth. You have to see it for yourself.

Have a good week!

— Too Long; Didn’t Read (TLDR)

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