🍽️ Expensive plates

Good morning ☀️

We’ve published several issues so far and we’d love to know how you like the newsletter. Please reply to this email and share your feedback with us. We’d love to hear from you.

Thank you for your time.

Ok—

The price of plates has gone up, and we’re not talking about your wedding; iron sheet gate, and the real-life Infinity War! Whew, what a week!

Let's do this 🚀

— Gloria Mbabazi, Shem Opolot

First time here? Subscribe here.

Headlines

🍌 Karma in Karamoja

Earlier this week, sh*t hit the old, desperately in need of repair government fan when top government officials were accused of misappropriating relief items (predominantly iron sheets) meant for Karamoja. Apparently, the officials redistributed the materials to their constituents but we weren’t born yesterday so...

As different MPs offer explanations like a toddler with sugar crystals on their lips and guilt in their heart, the scandal snowballs with an expected avalanche that will likely bury the minister-in-charge of Karamoja Affairs, (dis)Hon. Mary Goretti Kitutu.

As of Sunday, February 26^th, the Office of the Prime Minister (OPM) suspended the distribution of iron sheets. Alexa, please play ‘Too Little Too Late’ by JoJo.

Here’s a therapeutic satirical take to calm your nerves.

😶 Abstinence

In the greatest two-timing we’ve seen since our ex, President Museveni held talks with Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky to discuss “matters of mutual interest” shortly before Uganda decided to abstain from another UN resolution to force Russia to cease hostilities in Ukraine. We agree. It’s best we stay out of it.

🫣 Hide and seek

The Inspector General of Government, Beti Kamya seemingly took leave of her professional duties to dabble in comedy as she gave 24,000 government leaders (from LC III to the presidency) 30 days to declare their wealth or face sanctions.

Articles 233(2) and 234 of the Constitution and section 4 of the Leadership Code Act require political leaders and appointed leaders to declare their incomes, assets, and liabilities every two years. For this and more jokes, subscribe to this newsletter if you aren’t.

🍽️ Expensive plates

In a likely sweet gig for someone’s father, Ugandan car owners will be required to dish out UGX 735,000 for digital plates. We never thought the day would come when car number plates would summon more fright than the plate count at midnight at a wedding at Speke Resort Munyonyo.

🎒 Back to school?

Like your bank, with only 2 tellers available out of a possible 5, the Ministry of Education advised parents of 118,500 students, who passed the 2022 Uganda Certificate of Education (UCE) examinations but were not selected, to look for slots in private schools and tertiary institutions. This follows the Ministry’s announcement that government schools could only accommodate 221,400 students. It’s almost like they didn’t know how many students sat for the exams.

Perish Parish Development Model

Almost exactly a year ago, the Parish Development Model (PDM) was launched and the learned elite channeled their skepticism into think pieces and plain abuse. The (valid) skepticism was driven by the pervasive incompetence of our leadership and their tendency to champion ribbon-cutting over successful project implementation.

What’s the Parish Development Model?

A collection of villages forms a parish. PDM aimed to support the hustles of the people in the parishes by injecting much-needed cash to prop up their businesses with the hope that the cash injection would empower these people to join the economy, resulting in a trickle-up development effect. Not a terrible idea, but the challenge—if it’s not apparent to you yet—lies in the words “inject cash” and “Ugandan” existing in the same sentence.

A year later, while on a “wealth creation” tour (for real) in Acholi sub-region this past week, President Museveni vowed to “clean up” the Parish Development Model.

Other headlines

Grammy Award nominee, Eddy Kenzo of the “Sitya Loss” fixed his lips to compare himself to Ugandan music royalty, Philly Lutaya and this is the extent of our reaction

Government makes a rare rational move by cutting expenditure on travel, salary increments, purchasing of vehicles, and borrowing

Uganda and South Sudan pinky swear (again) to end cross-border insecurity and encourage the free movement of people, goods, and services between the two countries

Scientists from National Agricultural Research Organization (NARO) made an a-maize-ing breakthrough that portends a healthier and more lucrative future Ugandan grain

Uganda's export earnings increased by 10.7%

In a probable win for someone’s gig, the Guinness book of records but make it Ugandan

The results of the Serere County MP by-election saw a son take over from his late father. Yes, shake your head and be very afraid

Police proposed a (well-intentioned but intellectually lazy) ban on bodabodas on the Northern bypass to reduce accidents

All incoming passengers at Entebbe airport carrying at least $10,000 in cash or goods for personal use worth more than $500 must “give themselves there”

Beyond Borders

🌍️ Africa

🇳🇬 Nigeria decides: On February 25^th , Africa’s largest economy kicked off voting in the country’s tightest presidential election in recent history. The election features 18 presidential aspirants and three frontrunners—Bola Tinubu of the ruling All Progressives Congress, Atiku Abubakar of the main opposition Peoples Democratic Party, and the Labor Party’s Peter Obi. The election will affect not only Nigeria’s economy and stability but also its place in global trade, and our faith in democratic transitions in Africa. No pressure, Nigeria.

As we’ve said before, we owe Nigeria at least a novena for our Spotify playlists so spare them a thought, nay, a prayer. For more on the state of Nigeria leading up to the election, click here.

🇿🇦 Najjera 5 South Africa 0: As South Africa experiences more blackouts than a faulty neon sign, Najjera might file for middle-income status to tout their comparably better “staying power”.

The (now former) CEO of Eskom (South Africa’s UMEME), Andre Marinus de Ruyter fled the country after he was “released of his duties” as Eskom battles soul-crushing debt and the inability to meet the country's electricity demand.

🇰🇪 Plantation sexploitation: Kenya is investigating reports of sexual exploitation on the Kenyan tea plantations that supply Britain’s most popular brands. The BBC reported that more than 70 women said they were sexually exploited by supervisors on farms owned by Unilever, Liption, and Janes Finlay & Co.

🇰🇪 🇸🇴 🇪🇹 🇺🇬 Drought in the Horn of Africa: The Intergovernmental Authority on Development Climate Prediction and Applications Centre (ICPAC) said the Horn of Africa will likely experience a sixth consecutive failed rainy season. ICPAC fears the current drought might surpass the drought a decade ago when 260,000 people died in Somalia alone.

To “raise awareness” about the drought, US First Lady, Jill Biden jetted into Kenya and disrupted Jomo Kenyatta International Airport.

Other headlines

Ethiopia eyes a $150 million entry fee from a Safaricom-led consortium to launch M-Pesa

The reburial of the late Thomas Sankara

Congolese doctor, Dr. Jean Kaseya appointed the new Africa CDC Chief

🗺️ The rest of the world

🇷🇺 🇺🇦 The Russia-Ukraine war: President Putin expected to take Kyiv in 3 days but instead, the Russia-Ukraine war celebrated its 1^st birthday on February 24^th and is now officially longer than a patriarch’s speech at his daughter’s Kuhingira, with no clear end in sight.

What does each side want?

The Russians want to keep Ukraine close and prevent Ukraine from joining NATO, while Ukraine wants to push Russia out of its internationally recognized borders.

The toll

• About 7,200 Ukrainian civilians have died, more than 11,000 have been injured, and as many as 100,000 Ukrainian soldiers have died or sustained injuries.

• Russian military casualties are believed to be approaching 200,000, per US officials.

• More than 8 million Ukrainian refugees (~20% of the country's prewar population) have fled to other European countries. Hundreds of thousands of Russians also left home.

The war sent economic shockwaves across the globe with the prices of fuel, natural gas, and even bread skyrocketing.

🇺🇸 Biden in Ukraine: Like a teenager in a tantalizing tryst, US President Joe Biden sneaked into Ukraine this past week to pile his vocal support onto the millions of dollars worth of military equipment the US donated to Ukraine’s war effort. Biden’s visit was apparently “the first time in modern history an American president visited a war zone where the US military was not fighting.” We dare ask: if the guns are yours and the tanks are yours, aren’t you essentially fighting in the war?

In likely a busy week for diplomats and Jack Ryan spies in overcast Europe, Russia, and America traded strongly-worded speeches with President Biden vowing “unwavering support” for Ukraine, US VP Kama Harris accusing Russia of committing war crimes, and President Putin suspending a Nuke Treaty.

N’ebigenderako

Aftershock quakes hit Turkey

4-day work week study shows people don’t want to work. Go figure.

Old iPhone sells for $63,356.40, so, you know, basically the price of the next iPhone

Manchester United is for sale and the bidding war is hot as hell

Netflix cuts prices to heat up the race to the bottom for prices in the streaming wars

The US Supreme court to hear a case that could change the internet forever

Facebook does its best Twitter impression by launching a pay-for-a-blue-tick subscription service. Read this again

Facebook joins the AI race by launching its own chatbot, LLaMA

R. Kelly to serve a total of 30 years in prison after sentencing. Both his mind and his body must be telling him “NO!”

Games and Puzzles

This week’s challenge is courtesy of Braingle.

What is the longest pair of English words that are pronounced exactly the same but share no letter in common?

Answer at the bottom

Procrastination corner

🚰 Where does water come from?

🏡 The most expensive home in the Caribbean is up for sale if the digital plates really pissed you off

🚗 Did you know both humans and cars come from dust?

🎵 This road will sing to you if you drive under the speed limit

👴🏾 Read: the trouble with aging

Riddle answer

‘Ewe"‘ and ‘You’

Have a good week!

— Too Long; Didn’t Read (TLDR)

Reviews

Leave a review

We’ve published several newsletters so far and would love to know your thoughts. Please share a review by replying to this email.

If you'd like to sponsor an issue of the newsletter or advertise in an issue, email us at [email protected]

First time here? Subscribe here.